Elistano (Bar, Restaurant)

And in this week’s episode of Graze In Chelsea, Prosecco is bubbling away from the very start and there’s a will-they-won’t-they situation between Tagliatelle and Risotto at a west London Italian restaurant.

SCENE ONE – Starters
[The Prosecco twins converse at a table with Olives and Bread before being approached by their old ‘friend’ Pinot Grigio]

Prosecco 1: Do I look fat in this flute?

Prosecco 2: No sweetie, you look fabulous, as ever.

Prosecco 1: Aww, sweets! Thanks. Because I’ve invited someone to join us.

Prosecco 2: Who?

Prosecco 1: Pinot Grigio.

Prosecco 2 [ROLLS BUBBLES]: Oh great! What about Merlot or Chardonnay? We always choose Pinot Grigio.

Prosecco 1: Give him a chance! Pinot Grigio is great to have at dinner.

Olives: Let’s change the subject; to me! I’ve just had the most amazing beauty treatment ever. I’ve been drizzled in olive oil.

Bread: And I’ve been baked to perfection.

Pinot Grigio [APPROACHING TABLE]: Yum! Totes! You certainly have.

[AWKWARD SILENCE]

Bread: Oh look, Zucchini Fritti and Whitebait are here!

Prosecco 1: Fab!

Pinot Grigio: Double fab!

Prosecco 2: Finally! Some added flavour to the evening!

SCENE TWO – Mains
[The main stars of the show, Tagliatelle Amatriciana and Crab Risotto, flatter each other as usual, only this time genuinely meaning what they say]

Tagliatelle Amatriciana: So how have you been?

Crab Risotto: Well, I’m having a #fml moment. I’m feeling the pressure of being the ‘Risotto of the Day’. You know what I mean?

Tagliatelle Amatriciana: Hmm, not really. It’ll never be my day and what a shame because I taste fabulous!

Crab Risotto: I mean, Asparagus Risotto does such a good job already. What can I offer diners?

Tagliatelle Amatriciana: Oh stop. You are one delicious dish, Crabby?

Crab Risotto: You’re such a sweetheart.

Tagliatelle Amatriciana: You’re a hearty bowl of melt-in-your-mouth fabulousness with a chilli kick that would excite even the blandest of tongues.

Crab Risotto: I’m so glad we’re friends.

Tagliatelle Amatriciana: You are a dish that’s full of passion, full of life, full of flavor but at the same time maybe sad.

Crab Risotto: It’s been ages since we sat together like this.

Tagliatelle Amatriciana: You have beauty, aroma, and the salivating world at your bowl.

Crab Risotto: And what about you, with your good depth of flavour and your immaculate presentation?

Tagliatelle Amatriciana: Oh please! You’re making me blush and cry like I’ve had extra onion and tomato added to me.

Crab Tagliatelle: Well, it’s true. And I love this place. The authentic Italian music, the tranquil location and the groups of friends, families, lovers…

Tagliatelle Amatriciana: Yeah, perhaps we shouldn’t go there, sweetie.

SCENE THREE – Desserts
[With espresso cups and limoncello shots crowding the table setting, the sweet desserts sit down to discuss the ‘importance’ of one’s roots]

Elistano Cheesecake: We’re the new kids on the menu. Isn’t this just amazeballs!

Chocolate “Brick”: Listen, I’m just a dessert. A solid chocolate and biscuit slice. You’re just a dessert too so don’t get all snooty just because you’re in Chelsea, or because you’re named after a restaurant.

Elistano Cheesecake [SNIFFING]: One should be proud of one roots. Anyway, I’m just making conversation until we’re gobbled up by these two ladies hovering over us.

Chocolate “Brick”: What in the world of South Kensington are you talking about?! Chelsea girls don’t eat!

Elistano Cheesecake: Of course they do. They’ve eaten up practically the entire cast of this episode. There’s just us left. Oh, hold your horses on the King’s Road…us and…

Pinot Grigio: Hey guys! I’m back!

Espressos and limoncellos: OMG! #Awkward!!

[CLOSING CREDITS]...read more