Vomiting during sex; peeing in pint glasses; covertly filming and starring in orgies; jumping on cars; hurling dwarves; shirts covered in Three Lions, chilli sauce, and a plethora of other stains; and possibly the occasional game of football. This might be a typical weekend for a Fluid journalist. It is, however, a list of incidents that have occurred when professional footballers have got together.
If the above is your idea of a good night out, or if you’re a wannabe WAG, or if you’re already a WAG and want to trade in for a new footballer when the transfer window opens, then below you will find some of London’s best bars, clubs and restaurants to find a footballer.
At the apex, you have the Champions League venues; usually situated in the West End, with paparazzi congregated outside, focused on their intrepid mission to bring the public breaking news about who has gone out without wearing knickers, who has snogged someone who isn't their spouse, and who has dared to wear the same item of clothing more than once.
Leading the way is Movida, off Argyll St, the crème de la Cristal of footballer hangouts. Premier League footballers mingle with the likes of Beyonce, Jay-Z, Madonna and Susan Boyle. OK, perhaps not SuBo but it was a nice picture. Nicer than the recent picture of inebriated Nicolas Bendtner of Arsenal, carried out of Boujis in Kensington, trousers round his ankles. Must’ve been a good night.
Boujis attracts a mixture of celebrities - Prince Harry has been seen here a few times - falling and rolling in the gutter like Didier Drogba in the opposition's penalty area. It is a favourite of £14m Arsenal player, Andrei Arshavin as well as Chelsea and England player, Frank Lampard. Lamps and his Chelsea teammates (John Terry, Ashley Cole, Michael Essien, and Joe Cole) chose Whisky Mist as the scene for the celebrations of their recent premier league victory. If you fancy getting your hands on Lamps though, be warned, Christine Bleakley frequents Whisky Mist too.
Breathing down Movida’s neck is Mahiki in Dover St and Chinawhite, Winsley St with £6000 bottles of Krug the stars of their teams. Each of these venues has more ropes to negotiate than at any fetish night. The ones where VIP areas are split, like those Russian matryoshka dolls, into VIP, VVIP, and VVVIP sections, until, at the centre, there’s a space where Paris Hilton would struggle to get in. Be prepared to spend big to get in and look your very best if you want to survive the gauntlet of the clipboard-toting doorpickers.
Amika in Kensington is another very selective club. Whereas some clubs such as Chinawhite will grant membership to those who have the cash, (£650 per annum for over 30s, £350 for those under – EU discrimination lawyers where are you!) Amika requires you to apply first, and then hope for the best. Bungalow 8 on St Martins Lane, a regular with England footballers including some unknown called David Beckham also falls into this category. If all this sounds like too much work, then act like a football manager just starting out. Look to get in at a smaller, less prestigious club, do well there, sign yourself a player on the up and then both of you can head into a Champions League club at a later date.
Clubs at this level - slightly more accessible but still pushing for Champions League status - include Grace on Great Windmill Street and the Funky Buddha and Vendome, both in Mayfair. If you find yourself moonwalking across the dancefloor of Grace with surprising ease, remember that here was where ex-West ham player Hayden Foxe chose to varnish the dancefloor with urine at a Christmas party. And Funky Buddha is where Chelsea's Ashley Cole and Cheryl Cole supposedly sealed their ill-fated relationship “with some raunchy dancing." Although that quote comes from the conservative Telegraph newspaper, where Carry On films are considered risqué.
Risqué is a word one would connect with The Elysium on Regent Street. Chelsea's John Terry was England captain until details of his affair with Vannessa Perroncel, some time Elysium employee and ex of teammate Wayne Bridge, leaked out. Terry is also alleged to have met pornstar Karina Clarke in 2004 at Elysium. Neither John Terry’s captaincy nor the Elysium club exist any longer. How fitting. Perhaps if he had acted like he did in Time and Envy, Romford (now Liquid & Envy), urinating in a pint-glass, he would have been thrown out, and avoided ever meeting these women and perhaps still be England captain.
Another way of getting up close and personal to footballers is to enter the Miss Great Britain beauty contest. Finals are held at Cafe de Paris in the West End and are always attended by footballers past and present such as Jermain Defoe, Jermaine Pennant and Paul Gascoigne. Previous winners have gone on to fame, fortune and The Sun's Bizarre column. Danielle Lloyd (professional WAG) won and was then disqualified after one of the judges, footballer Teddy Sheringham was found to be dating her.
If restaurants are your chosen stakeouts then The Ivy, should be on your list. Frequented by the Beckhams, and the scene of Chelsea and England's Joe Cole's marriage proposal, it is popular with celebrities, yet a table can be booked if you don't mind waiting three months.
If more mature football folk are your target, Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp was quoted in the Metro newspaper as saying his favourite restaurant is “an Italian called Scalini." Although in the same interview he talks of West Ham qualifying for Europe so his judgment is hardly infallible.
Given that the lines are blurred these days between celebrities and footballers, it comes as no surprise that between the lines of fine restaurants there often falls anomalies. Anomalies such as Lee Bowyer or Joey Barton. In separate incidents, both were in McDonald's when they hurled a mixture of racist abuse, punches and chairs at members of the public and staff. If a night of violence and abuse isn't your thing then maybe think a little out of the penalty box (did you see what happened there?). Consider the story of former England striker, now BBC pundit and narcolepsy-inducer Alan Shearer. After winning the league title he chose, with hedonism and debauchery dripping from every orifice, to celebrate this momentous event by creosoting his fence. Maybe B&Q is the new Movida? You heard it here first.
Bear in mind that most top footballers will be away from London during June and July, contesting the World Cup. The dates you should know are 2nd and 3rd July. These are the dates of the World Cup quarterfinals. After these dates the England footballers should be back in town.
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